Instead of this: the fourth and final installment

(sorry it took a while - you'll know why soon enough)


31)   ...be a personal shopper.
32)   ...be a professional historical reconstructor.
33)   ...be a medical illustrator.
34)   ...be a comic book artist.
35)   ...be a firebreather (is full time dragon an option?)
36)   ...be a professional fanlady (girl sounds too...high pitched)
37)   ...be a woodcarver.
38)   ...be a jewellery maker.
39)   ...be barista in an enormous commercial chain that I can moan about.
40)   ...be a list writer (Buzzfeed have any vacancies?)

As ever, if this inspired you in any way, shape or form - comments plz?

Instead of this... numero 3

21)   ...be a video game designer.
22)   ...be a station announcer.
23)   ...be a glasses designer.
24)   ...be a shoe designer.
25)   ...be a nail technician.
26)   ...be a milkmaid (is this still a thing people do?)
27)   ...be a purveyor of fine herbs (again, I’m probably not thinking what you’re thinking)
28)   ...be a socialite.
29)   ...be a sofa surfer.
30)   ...be a coffee taster (only part time though.  My caffeine tolerance is abysmal)

Instead of this - part 2

   11)  ...be a dancer.

   12)  ...be a singer.

   13)  ...be a writer.

   14)  ...be a racecar driver (note to self: learn to drive.)

   15)  ...be an actress (damn missing those Star Wars auditions!)

   16)  ...be an astronaut.

   17)  ...elope with that guy from the tea shop.

   18)  ...be a children’s entertainer.

   19)  ...be an adult entertainer.

Instead of this...

At the moment, my life seems full of minor existential crises.  What am I doing?  Why am I doing it?  Would I be happier if...?  My techniques of dealing with this are varied, weird and possibly unhealthy, but that’s not the topic of today’s brain splurge (mmm splurge).  Today, I thought I would just share with you a list of some of the varied occupations that I keep convincing myself would be a better idea than what I’m doing.  Like my list of reasons to procrastinate, I’ll post them in instalments of ten.  That way all of you, my wonderful readership of 2.3 people, will hopefully not be too bored by an enormous block of nonsense.

Anyway, enough gushing (ew) and on with the list. Enjoy.

1)    ...be a palaeontologist.

2)   ...be a human evolutionary anthropologist.

3)   ...be a librarian.

4)   ...be a trophy wife who is secretly Indiana Jones/Adèle Blanc-Sec.

5)   ...blog/vlog/art for a living (haha)

6)   ...be a make up artist.

7)   ...open a tea shop.

8)   ...open a bakery.

9)   ...open a wool shop.

10)  ...open a shop where I serve tea and cake as well as selling knitting and knitting supplies.

If you enjoyed any of these or feel you have something (really, please, anything) to say about them, don’t forget to leave a comment!

Gone.

I didn’t know you.

You were a name and an illness and a family.

And then you were gone.

But still,

     I’ll never forget you,

  now-dead man.

I met you at the beginning of the week

We followed the round

The ward was a sad place, but not the worst

The doctors were cheerful, even if their humour was black

The nurses were kind, even if they were tired

And the patients, your companions, seemed as positive as anywhere

Some were confused

Some were in pain

Some were looking forward to leaving

     But you were never really awake, in your room to the side, quiet but never quite peaceful

The doctors told me your systems were failing

To fix one would too much damage another

I could see the frustration, and the resignation behind their eyes

All their experience

All their knowledge

And nothing they could do.

The rest of the week, I saw patients come and go

To nursing homes, to family, to other departments, to other hospitals

You were one of the constant few

At one point we discussed care pathways

An “end of life” plan sounds nicer than any to do with death

As though this life just happened to be coming to an end

Maybe if I believed in some sort of heaven and hell

Or in rebirth

Or in something, anything, that made death less final

Then the phrase “end of life” would offer a small comfort

As it is, I hold no such convictions

I didn’t truly believe this only to be a step on a longer journey.

Your doctors had said you had a couple of weeks left,

but still,

it shouldn’t have been such a shock.

my colleague found you,

Quiet.

Still.

Gone.

My heart goes to him.  I cannot imagine his shock, his sadness.

Because you had gone quietly into that dark night

We’d heard no raging, no final fight

Maybe that was your character

Maybe that was your disease

Were you prone to lie there and take it?

Or were you fighting, we just couldn’t see?

We saw you certified dead

Passed on.

Gone.

It was the first time I’d seen it done.

I should have been learning, taking notes.

But all the while I just marvelled at how you seemed just asleep

So much more peaceful than before

I had an abstract hope that you would just wake up, that it had all been a mistake

But I knew that it was nonsense.

Your heart stopped, never again to speed up at the sight of a lover

Your eyes stayed closed, never again would you blink at the brightness of a new day

You did not cry out in pain, to the horrible things doctors must do to be sure.

You were beyond that now.

And, with a signature on a form, it was official.  You were no more.

The next day, the last that I was there, was like any other

I smiled at the woman heading into the room where you were before

She had hope and pain and fear and trust in her eyes.

And so we go on.